For Once, Then, Something
by RockBarbie
Summary: A seed of doubt is planted in her mind. A catharsis is only one betrayal away. Her breaking point is just a lawsuit short. What happens when emotional turmoils of decade come to foray? For once, Lisbon decides to confront them head on instead of hiding behind her usual 'I am fine' line. Mostly Lisbon POV. Eventual Jane/Lisbon.


A/N: A palpable tension between Jane and Lisbon was evident throughout season five. I am making an attempt to work through the tension and the catharsis of Lisbon which never happened. Though I wish it did.

* * *

Her eyes were transfixed on the plaque displaying her name on the table. Her bones screamed in exhaustion but she couldn't bring herself to get up and go home. There were just too many things on her mind – a chaos was brewing and the catharsis following that was only a matter of time. With everything that had happened in past few months, she applauded her psyche for not crumbling yet. No day passed without her being angry about something or someone. Her eyes flicked towards the white couch and her mind automatically imagined a picture of the blond haired man lounging lazily on it and flashing her megawatt smile. She sighed deeply and averted her eyes as if the image of her brought out a heartache she wasn't aware of yet. She shook her head slightly to dissipate the thoughts about her consultant and flashed back to couple of hours before.

* * *

_She was at the weekly poker session and the evening had taken an interesting spin when FBI director introduced her to one of the bureau's behavior analyst Special Agent Will Bailey from DC. She withheld an eye roll and politely exchanged pleasantries. She sat out on one of the games and the FBI agent had joined her for a drink at the bar. It shouldn't have been surprising to hear him talk about the escapades of CBI but it rattled her nonetheless. It was a weird feeling to come to know there were other law enforcement agencies looking at things you have done. _

"_Your consultant put you in a spot few months ago, didn't he?" _

_Her eyes widened a little but she managed to sport an aloof expression to hide the tumult in her heart. "He was kidnapped by an associate of notorious serial killer. Such an act has a tendency to put any department on spot, is it not?" _

_She was surprised when the agent didn't probe her further but simply hummed in response and took a sip of his drink. "It must have been a tough situation to supervise. Especially given the history your consultant and his kidnapper shared." She sighed berating herself for being relieved too soon and pinched the bridge of her nose in hopes to reduce steadily building migraine. An ache had settle under her eyebrow right after ADA slammed her department for bringing yet another lawsuit all thanks to her brashly outspoken consultant. When confronted, he had shrugged dismissively and told her that the witness annoyed him. _

_Swallowing harshly, she shrugged maintaining an impassive expression. "Red John has an unhealthy fixation on Jane. Lorelei Martins was his mistress. She was clearly acting under his orders." She looked at the agent beside her with challenge in her eyes. Her heart thundered in her ears seeing him frown. It wouldn't be uncommon for the bureau to read case files from local law enforcement agencies and given Red John's notoriety and victim count, his reputation hadn't escaped behavior analysis unit. _

"_Do you trust your consultant Agent Lisbon?" Agent Bailey asked. _

_She sucked in a breath at the suddenness of the question. "You think I don't?" She narrowed her eyes at him. Any other night she would have taken immense offense. Any other night she would have landed in a defensive rant about losses, tragedies and failures to catch the killer. It was a strange night when alcohol exaggerated her shortcomings and the bitterness she was feeling about the whole situation with Jane. Trust was a touchy subject between her and her consultant._

"_You tell me," he rallied back._

"_I trust him." Her answer was immediate and sounded hollow to even her own ears. She maintained a blank expression knowing fully well what Agent Bailey was capable of. The man read verbal and non-verbal cues for a living and she idly wondered if her boss, Bertram set up this meeting to test her. _

"_Does he trust you the way you trust him?" He was relentless with the questions. She had no idea why she was entertaining him with her answers. She should have taken her drink back to the table the moment the agent dragged Jane into the conversation. Maybe it was alcohol, she mused._

_She didn't answer him for several minutes. She finished the drink she had in her hand and motioned the bartender to fill it up. She took several sips of the strong drink to subdue the chatter in her mind. She sighed, her voice catching in her throat when odd memories of discontentment while standing on the other side of the attic door canvassed her mind. _

"_I don't know." She answered turning to look at Agent Baily who was watching her closely. "I don't know anymore." She repeated once more, verbalizing what her mind tried to rationalize for past several months. Agent Bailey smiled softly and nodded._

_They had fallen silent till Bertram's booming voice stirred them out of their respective thoughts. _

* * *

She rubbed her eyes tiredly as the heaviness behind her eyelids started to burn. As far as she was concerned, trust between her and Jane was fractured. She had told him she had forgiven him and had helped him to get reinstated back to her unit but resentment about his actions had irrevocably scorched her heart.

She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes willing the newly formed tears to stay there.

It hurt.

It hurt every time he pulled a stunt without her knowledge not trusting her enough to pull her into his plans and blindside her when it all came to apex.

It was as if she was back in another form of abusive relationship so much like and unlike the one with her father. There was no beating or alcohol involved.

The feeling of hopelessness, however, was exactly the same.

* * *

There it is! The first part of the story. Reviewing is much appreciated.


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